Feeds:
Posts
Comments

By Bob Snook

Note: the four different characters played by Liz may be played by four different actors


Amy: (enters carrying TV remote control, to audience) Have you ever had problems communicating with other Christians? Hello, I’m Amy Johnson, inventor of the revolutionary new (offers remote) Christian Communication Controller. After you see how it works, you’ll want one for your very own. Let me show you how it works.Liz: (enters, approaches Amy)

Amy: (to audience) Suppose you’ve just lost a loved one and, while you are still mourning the loss, the CHURCH LADY shows up at your door.

Liz: You know, sweety, it’s really a good thing that God took your loved one home to Heaven. If she had lived. She would have walked with a limp. But, you know, sweety, she wouldn’t have

gotten sick in the first place if she had more faith. And maybe YOU could have prayed more, too.

Amy: (holds remote at arms length, presses button obviously)

Liz: (freezes)

Amy: I think we’ve heard enough. As you can see, with my amazing Christian Communication Controller, you now have full control when an insensitive Christian snob is about to make

things worse. Let’s rewind the communication… (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter and repeats all motions backward offstage)

Amy: (presses button) Now we pause for a moment, while we bring up the menu, (presses button) we scroll down to the alternate language translations, (presses button) and now, in

addition to Spanish and French, we can choose the language called Christian Sensitive. (presses button) And when the church lady shows up you will hear what a church lady SHOULD say.

Liz: (reenters with exactly the same walk and mannerisms, but her tone is softer) Amy, dear, I heard about your Mom. I am so sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. Listen, if you

don’t mind, I’d like to stop buy tomorrow before dinner and drop off a casserole. The last thing you need to worry about now is house work.

Amy: Thank you that would be very nice.

Liz: (exiting) See you tomorrow then. Bye Bye. I’ll be praying for you.

Amy: (to audience, offers remote) The revolutionary new Christian Communication Controller not only works on insensitive Christians, it also works on insincere Christians. (points to Liz) Here’s another example.

Liz: (enters, approaches) Amy! I was just thinking about you! I was thinking: we hardly ever get together anymore. Say, is that a new dress?! I love it! What a yummy color! But, you’ve always had good taste in clothes.

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (freezes with broad smile)

Amy: (to audience) Last week, this person crossed the street to avoid talking to you. Now she suddenly wants to be your new best friend. If you let her, she will gush like this for five or ten more minutes until you melt like butter. When she finally gets around to slapping your face, she’s hoping you’ll thank her for it. (pushes button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated friendly mannerisms)

Amy: So, we’ll just fast forward over the insincerity and get right down to the bad news. (pushes button)

Liz: By the way, I saw your musical play the other night.

Amy: Oh, really?

Liz: Yes, I was a drama major in college, you know.

Amy: So you’ve said many times.

Liz: Yes, and I thought the second act was a little under-rehearsed.

Amy: Oh, really?

Liz: Yes, you know I played that part myself.

Amy: Oh, really?

Liz: Yes, and I don’t think you got in touch with the true emotions of the role.

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated friendly mannerisms, turns, exits)

Amy: We’ll just fast-forward through the rest of it. This poor person was ignored as a child. And even today she craves attention by being the resident expert on everything. As such, she has taken on the Christian ministry of criticizing others… in a nice way. (to Liz) Bye bye. See you on Broadway! (to audience) The Christian Communication Controller is also particularly helpful for the second kind of insincere communication. I call it the hustle. Watch.

Liz: (enters, approaches) Amy! I was just thinking about you! I love that dress….

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated friendly mannerisms)

Amy: Let’s bypass the gushing and go right to the punch line. That way you won’t be swayed by emotions. (presses button)

Liz: Can I borrow your car tonight?

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (freezes)

Amy: (to audience) The pause button on the communication controller gives you valuable time to think through your answer or even consult the Bible. And in this case, the BIble says that Christians are NOT obligated to give to EVERYONE who asks for something. The Bible only tells us to “look after orphans and widows in their distress”. Beyond that, giving is optional. (presses button)

Liz: Well? Can I borrow your car? (smiling, hands on hips)

Amy: (to Liz) Sure,… as soon as pigs can fly.

Liz: (exiting) But I thought we were best friends!

Amy: (to audience) For our final demonstration of the usefulness of the new Christian Communication Controller, we see what is known as THE STEAM ROLLER. It’s the person who won’t let you get a word in edgewise.

Liz: (enters quickly) Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you since the Bible study. You know, you had it completely wrong! You really should give up leading the Bible study and let someone lead it who knows what they’re talking about!

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (freezes)

Amy: (to audience, points to Liz) The steam roller. No subtlety at all. No deception. Just a frontal attack. And the attack could get personal. (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms)

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: Uneducated.

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms)

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: Juvenile.

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms)

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (freezes)

Amy: (to audience) In such a case, you would be tempted to fast-forward through the entire tirade. But as a Bible study leader you’re obligated to improve your skills of exegesis and

leadership. And it’s possible that some of what she has to say might help you to grow as a Christian. So, you should use the Christian Communication Controller to sift through the tirade in an effort to get something positive from this conversation.

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: blind as a bat

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms)

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: moron

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms)

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: imbecile

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms)

Amy: (presses button)

Liz: (freezes)

Amy: (to audience) No. I was wrong. This STEAM-ROLLER has nothing positive to help me grow as a Christian. So, now let me demonstrate the most useful feature of the Christian

Communication Controller: the ESCAPE button. (presses button)

Liz: (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume, with exaggerated mannerisms talking to noone)

Amy: (exits showing remote control) The revolutionary new Christian Communication Controller. Coming soon to a Christian book store near you. (stops, turns, presses button, exits)

Liz: (turns 360, shrugs, exits) Hey, where did she go? I wasn’t finished.

Christian Dating

This is one of those Christian skits that make you laugh and cry at the same time. Sorry guys from the rightious insanity, I had to borrow this clip in order to show it here. Enjoy!


This scene adapted from the play God Told Me To Break Up With You by John Cosper (www.righteousinsanity.com)
Meet Christian Singles

Total Eclipse

by mateo633

A Christian skit about the Power of Jesus to save from the darkness of sin.

Getting It Done

by DramaShare

Theme: Matthew 28: 19, 20: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”
Cast: 3 actors, with at least the Leader being female.


Leader: Alright now! All here and accounted for? Susan?
Susan: Here, sir!
Leader: Actually it’s ma’am, but regardless, your presence noted. Dorothy?
Dorothy: Here we are, here we are, here we are!
Leader: Uhhhhhhh, perhaps a simple “Present” would do the job, Dorothy. However, those things being said, good to see you troopers here.
Susan: Excuse me, sir!
Leader: Ma’am.
Susan: I really prefer not being called ma’am if you don’t mind sir.
Leader: No, you don’t understand, what I meant was, don’t call me “sir,” I am “ma’am.”
Susan: Then why did you say “ma’am” sir!
Leader: I did not say ma’am, what I said was . . .
Dorothy: Yes you did, yes you did, yes you did.
Leader: Yes, well I know I said “ma’am” but . . .
Susan: How can you say you didn’t say when you just said that you didn’t say what you said? Sir!
Leader: This is getting us nowhere, and what we need is to be getting it done.
Dorothy: Getting it done, getting it done, getting it done.
Leader: I know I shouldn’t ask, Dorothy, but why do you repeat everything?
Dorothy: I came from a poor family. My brother always wanted a parrot and we couldn’t afford to buy one so . . .
Leader: . . . so you became the parrot. I knew I shouldn’t have asked.
Dorothy: Arrrrkkkkk! Polly wants a cracker!
Susan: If I may be so bold, exactly what are we about to be getting done? Sir!
Leader: The task at hand, that’s what!
Dorothy: Getting the task at hand done? Mmmmm. Interesting. Mind telling me . . what will it take?
Leader: Take? Well just let me tell you, it will take more than you can likely imagine. First and foremost: authority.
Susan: Authority. Very important sir!
Dorothy: But authority from whom?
Leader: Let me just say, authority from the Highest Level.
Dorothy: Highest?
Leader: *The* Highest!
Susan: Wow! So we do have all the authority we will ever need then. Sir!
Leader: And it will take “going.”
Dorothy:
Going?
Leader: Can’t expect to get this task done just sitting around home!
Susan: Well, I can see that.
Dorothy: Makes sense.
Leader: And it will take making believers.
Susan: Just where are we going to find believers?
Dorothy: I believe the comment was, “making believers.”
Susan: As if we can do that . . .!
Dorothy: You have perhaps forgotten the “authority” that was given?
Leader: Right you are Dorothy, all authority was given to the Commander for this mission.
Susan: OK, so we are going, and we are making believers. Anything else? Sir!
Leader: Yes, matter of fact, the task will require a substantial amount of teaching.
Susan: Me? Teach? I am no teacher! Sir!
Leader: Personal experience, Susan! Teaching by telling of personal experiences.
Dorothy: Will we have a workbook, a manual?
Leader: Not *a* manual. *The* Manual! Written by the Commander, Himself!
Susan: Hey, I can handle that! The Commander knows of what He speaks! Not like some of the leaders you find who know absolutely nothing and they . . . Present company excepted, sir!
Leader: At ease, soldier! Give it a rest!
Susan: Yes, sir!
Dorothy: Sounds like this will be a huge mission, but who will it take?
Susan: It will take each and every soldier doing his, or her, part. Right, sir?
Dorothy: Well, yes, it will take every person, but that in itself will not create a successful operation.
Susan: No? What then?
Dorothy: An operation of this magnitude will take the entire upper echelon of the total army to be mobilized.
Susan: Wow! You mean like lieutenants, colonels, captains . . .
Dorothy: Yep, this one will take the ones who have had experience in the missions around the world!
Susan, to Leader: Is that right sir?
Leader: Yes, certainly all of those, but even that won’t get this mission done. The success of this mission will hinge on the Commander.
Susan: A total team commitment! And the Commander in command! Wow!
Dorothy: So, we know what it will take. And we know who it will take. But I wonder . . . .
Susan: Wonder what, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I was just thinking. I wonder where this mission will take me?
Leader: The Commander put it very clearly: “every nation”.
Susan: Every?
Leader: Every.
Susan: But that’s Mission Impossible.
Leader: Nope, I read the Manual. It’s Mission Essential.
Dorothy: You know, since I have joined the Commander’s Army I have found that serving him always seems to take me just outside my comfort zone.
Leader: I can’t see that changing.
Dorothy: And actually that’s a comfort in itself.
Leader: Getting it done.
Dorothy: So we know what it will take.
Susan: And who it will take.
Dorothy: And where it will take us.
Susan: Some mission.
Dorothy: Some command.
Leader: Some Commander.

all off stage

The Visitor Skit

Jesus comes to visit the guy totally unexpected.

by Bob Snook

Liz: (enters confidently, looks around, slows, stops) Wait a minute. I’m lost. How could I be lost? I was just… Oh, no! It can’t be. (turns, nearly collides with Amy)

Amy: (follows) Maybe I can be of assistance.

Liz: (gasps, backs away) No. Um, no thank you. I can find myway back on my own. (tries to get by Amy)

Amy: (steps into Liz’s path) Sorry. There’s no going back.

Liz: (stops, steps back) Look. I know who you are and I think there’s been a terrible mistake.

Amy: I doubt it.

Liz: No, really. I had this all worked out. And it wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

Amy: Life is what happens when you’re waiting for your plans to be fulfilled.

Liz: Listen, it’s been my experience that everything in life is negotiable. Can’t we negotiate this?

Amy: We could if this was life. But this is….

Liz: Don’t say it. If you say it we can’t negotiate. Listen, I know who you are. You’re the angel of death. And you’ve come to
get me. But I had this all worked out. This wasn’t suppose to happened for at least another twenty years. So, you need to go
back to… your boss and tell him… tell him this is way to premature.

Amy: What you’re saying is that you’re not ready to die.

Liz: (holds up hand, interrupts) Please don’t use the D word. If you use the D word, I lose my negotiating position.

Amy: I’m afraid you’re operating under a big misconception…

Liz: (holds up hand, interrupts) No. I had this worked out. I was going to go with the Jesus option in twenty years.
Everything was going to plan.

Amy: So, you’re admitting that you were aware of the Jesus option?

Liz: Well, of course! Anyone who owns a radio or a television knows that Jesus forgives sins. And, believe me, I was going to
trust Jesus to forgive MY sins as soon as I was diagnosed with cancer or heart disease.

Amy: But you didn’t die of cancer….

Liz: (holds up hand, interrupts) Please don’t use the D word. If you use the D word, I lose my negotiating position.

Amy: Listen, I hate to burst your bubble, but you have no negotiating position. You lost it when you died.

Liz: (holds up hand, interrupts) See, there you go again. When you say the word, you destroy some of my options.

Amy: You seem to think that saying the word makes it happen.

Liz: “In the beginning was the word…”

Amy: The WORD is a person, not an utterance. And that person has declared that your options are now null and void.

Liz: You don’t understand. I INTENDED to trust Jesus. Doesn’t that count for something?

Amy: I’m sorry, but both rewards and punishments in eternity are based on what you’ve DONE, not on what you’ve planned or
what you’ve intended.

Liz: This is a nightmare. I had this all worked out. Where did I go wrong?

Amy: You were fully aware of what God expected you to do, but you put off bending your knee before God so you could go on
sinning. You saw it as delaying your decision. But God saw it as deliberate disobedience. In God’s eyes, you were without excuse.

Liz: What about an appeal?

Amy: The Bible says that man is destined to “die once and after that to face judgement”. What do you think?

Liz: So, there’s no way I’m getting into Heaven?

Amy: Let’s just say that Jesus is going to procrastinate that decision indefinitely.

Liz: (turns, exits) Go ahead, rub it in.

Amy: (follows) If it’s any comfort, I’ve decided to put off a decision to pray for you.

Try so hard skit

Christian skit on how the christian life can be difficult but if ‘Try so hard’ at it, God will honour our efforts.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.